Where Is Your Discomfort Zone?
Let’s face it.
Most of us spend a good portion of our lives attempting to avoid – or at least to minimize – discomfort.
And yet here’s the rub: Our avoidance of discomfort always brings us more discomfort or even actual pain.
So while we become intent on staying in our “Comfort Zone,” we really end up constructing our own personal “Discomfort Zone” in order to avoid being uncomfortable. I find it a rather bitter irony. Yet a consistent one.
I’m going to go back to my tool of Numerology here, because this is a great example of what a great short-cut to getting to the core of an issue.
I had an interaction with a woman the other day, let’s call her Anne. Anne is – for lack of a better term – freaking out. She can’t find a place to live that is acceptable to her. She has dogs and a limited budget, yet wants a “beautiful home” for herself. Home is very important to her. I then discover that she has a boyfriend who is madly in love with her. He is wealthy and is asking her to move in with him. Seems like a perfect scenario, eh?
When I ask Anne if she is in love with this man, she pauses, looks grippingly into the air as if to snatch the correct answer out of the ethers. So without even uttering a word, there’s the answer.
And yet as more information unfolds, Anne is still over-focused on the loss of Adam, the “love of her life.” He left her a couple of years ago and moved to a different state, breaking Anne’s heart into smitherings.
Then the hook: He calls her randomly, perhaps on her birthday or Christmas, and will send a little gift now and again. Humph. So she remains in some way attached to the idea of reconnecting with him.
So let’s back up now and fit Anne’s numerology into her current situation. Here’s how it reads:
Anne is a 4 Life Path. Her life is all about developing stability through process. She is “The Teacher” and as a matter of fact, she works as a teacher! “Home” is very important to her. Her challenge has been taking on a certain sense of responsibility and committing to setting a foundation for herself. She has bounced all over the place and frankly, she’s not very satisfied or happy with her life because of it. While she constructs a real sense of family with her work situation, she is baffled as to how to do that in her intimate life.
Now add on the fact that Anne is in a 9 Personal Year, and it all makes sense. This is a year that is all about dramatic change, letting go, and transformation. The 9 Personal Year is notorious for being a painful year because you must allow what is no longer serving you to peel away while you don’t yet have a clear picture of what’s next. You can’t be like your best friend who always has another boyfriend already in tow before breaking up with the current beau (so there isn’t any “down time” between boyfriends!). Instead, the energy of the 9 Personal Year demands that you let go without having another boyfriend at the ready (metaphorically speaking). It even demands that you – gasp! – spend a little time with yourself so that you can figure out who you really are and what you really want. In Anne’s case, here is a suggested action plan:
Anne’s “Discomfort Zone Detour” Action Item Checklist:
FIND YOUR VOICE. It is time to call, email, text, write a letter, or send a note by carrier pigeon, to Adam. Tell him loudly, clearly, and with conviction that you are no longer interested in being contacted by him; that since you aren’t together anymore, you want to move on in your life and don’t want any more interaction with him, period. Be prepared to be steady and stand your ground if he scoffs or comes back purring. If he calls, don’t answer. If he emails, delete it. Don’t be wishy-washy on this matter or you’ll continue in the same holding pattern you’ve been in.
FANTASY ALERT. Is Adam really the man of your dreams or have you constructed this fantasy in your mind about him that is only keeping you attached to him in an unhealthy and unconstructive way (as a protective tool) while also keeping your heart so wounded that you can’t possibly see a good relationship that might be right in front of you? It’s time to stand your ground, say NO to Adam, and get support to work though your grief about the relationship once and for all.
RESIST CAREENING INTO A BAND-AID RELATIONSHIP. Only after that can you then resituate yourself within this other relationship and consider where your heart is with this new – potentially supportive – man. While he may not be the one, you’ll never know unless you make a clean break from Adam.
CHECK YOUR LIFE PATH NUMBER AND YOUR PERSONAL YEAR CYCLE. Numerologically speaking, you will not make a successful move into a new relationship until next year, when you are in your 1 Personal Year or even the next year (a 2 Personal Year for you). Why? The 1 Personal Year is all about beginnings, yet it is often more outer-directed and career focused. It can also be a somewhat lonely year. The 2 Personal Year is more about love, slowing down, and being about “us.” The 9 Personal Year is your year to decide what to let go of once and for all and then DO IT. Yes, DO IT.
FOCUS ON THE KEY QUALITIES OF YOUR LIFE PATH NUMBER. The key here is that, as a 4 Life Path, Anne is striving toward finding a strong sense of foundation and stability in her daily life. She has taken a lot of detours along the way and is now in her 40s and feeling this missing link very acutely. After I spoke with Anne about her numerology, it was as if a light bulb has gone off. There’s still a lot to process, yet it feels more directed now. Knowing your numerology doesn’t necessarily make it all a walk in the park, yet it does reign in the real issues so that you can face them or not.
EVALUATE WHAT HAS BEEN KEEPING YOU IN YOUR CURRENT DISCOMFORT ZONE. Anne has been in a real discomfort zone for a long time. The thought of really coming to terms with her broken relationship with Adam is not really the answer she was looking for! That in itself feels like almost insurmountable pain. And yet Anne is realizing that she is just trading one Discomfort Zone for another that is – ultimately - an even more destructive Discomfort Zone. Yet knowing her cycles has given her direction and a strange sense of relief. It doesn’t have to get done in a weekend; this task might take a while, and it will be worth it.